Monday, December 29, 2008


I'm an IT guy
no I can't fix your damn car
find a mechanic

You know what's a-fucking-nnoying? I work in IT. I fix issues with computers not working. There are a few other things I could PROBABLY help with if you needed me to. Those "few things" are getting so fucking blown out of proportion I am not sure what the fuck it is I do anymore. We have a few people here where I work that assume if it is on a computer or has the word computer in it's name or description, I know everything there is to know about it. They also assume that even when I am on my lunch break or taking a shit or out of the fucking office that I am living and breathing megabits, yearning for the moment when I can come back and listen to retarded stories about how your machine runs so much slower and you think it's because Dell installed super secret programs to make more money and has nothing whatsoever to do with you downloading "Hot Cleveland Steamer fisting sessions with paraplegic granny trannies" videos on Limewire along with clicking on every fucking link you get in your shitcan email which is so full of chain letters and other assorted shitfuckery your junk email filter deletes valid emails instead.

I get emails and calls all the time asking me to modify fucking documents with North Yemenese formatting and merging all kinds of bullshit together and God help me if I admit I do not know how to do something, I have to listen to their whiny "But you're the IT guuuuuuuuuuy you should know how to do this waaaaah!" (read that in Fran Drescher's voice, it will give the full effect). I get stuff like "Please set up a wireless audio system in said room and make it so the acoustics don't vibrate off the walls" or "please unbolt the front seats in these cars and install these laptop mounts" or "please find out why my transmission keeps slipping". I am starting to feel like I need to come into work with some greasy blue coveralls with a sewn on "Jimbo" namepatch, and though the idea of walking around with my backpussy on full display it a tempting one, I would like to pass.

It is with this kind of Christmas Spirit that I would like to put down this short but sweet "Top 10 Ways to Annoy an IT Guy", and as always with black people my list starts an hour late and only goes to 9. Enjoy:

9. Start talking to an IT person about something interesting, say personal life, politics, or sports. Once you are sure they are listening to you, try a cool transition like " that's why we should fire Herm Edwardshey while I've got you can you take a look at for me?" THen wonder why they never come by to talk to you anymore.

8. Assume the IT guy's life, nay, his very fucking EXISTENCE, centers around cleaning up your spyware.

7. All IT guys do work on the side. We feel like superheros, and the idea of going to your house and cleaning gigs and gigs of hardcore goat porn off of your computer so you can download more gives our small, insignificant lives purpose.

6. IT guy taking a shit? Never! He's simply crying inside a stall waiting to hear more of your issues as to why you can't download your favorite episodes of "House" onto your computer. Tell us all about it, nevermind the grunts or calls to heavenly bodies as our feet kick spastically at the floor.

5. Got a new car/microwave/dvd player/vibrator with calculating function? No problem! Not only do I know everything about it and can fix anything you like on it and customize it to fit your needs, but I really want to stand around for a half hour after I somehow figure it out without the manual and internet and watch you fumble your way through using it (with exception to the dildo. I WOULD like to see you fumble around using that, unless you're a dude. Or my mom again.....*shudder*). Please feel free to bring your crap by and brag about how awesome it is and how you never plan on using all the functionality while I desperately try to get my 1973 dot matrix steam driven printer working.

4. Got a lengthy, concise, well worded error message on your computer? No problem! Simply hit "OK" or "Cancel" 10 times until the message doesn't call back up, and then call and leave a message for the IT guy saying you got an error. Bonus points if you get annoyed when he asks what the message said. By no means should you actually write down or try to remember the error message, that ruins all the fun!

3. Your friendly IT guy loves it when you leave messages like "Give me a call about a problem with my computer" and then say nothing else. We love having no idea what the issue is and walking all the way to your fucking office to change your password, which could have been done on our end and not wasted time having to walk all the way down to look upon your homely face and/ or smell your farts.

2. If an IT guy has to crawl under your desk, and you KNOW he has to crawl under your desk, make sure to loose upon said confined space a fart that could tame one of the Gods upon Olympus. Bonus points if you look at IT guy as if he did it when he gets up to gag in your trash can.

1. By all means, we all are salaried, make sure to call your IT guy at 4:59 every Friday to give some long winded description about how you can't get to some damn website and haven't been able to all week and yet are choosing NOW to get it fixed. Make sure you are high enough on the corporate ladder to ensure he has to stay until you can check your MLB scores and print them.


Anyway, on to other things. My Escort is acting up, it will start one day and not the next. I took it to my dad's house so he could have a look at it (and yes I paid him, so it's not the same as anything in the preceding list) and see what is going on. We couldn't figure it out, so I left it there and told him I would come back Sunday (yesterday). I get out there, and the fucking year stickers on my car are gone. WTF?! The asshole attempted to steal the whole license plate, and when that didn't work just took the stickers, leaving my front plate hanging by the shoe string and leaving the razor he used on the back bumper. Who would be so lazy as to try to steal a license plate and then leave when the shoe string proved too tough to conquer?
I called Smeagol to ask why he stole my stickers.

Of course he denied it, but let's look at the facts:

1. He's a raptor.
2. Whoever took them had to have known the dog as the car was in the back yard.
3. He's a fucking raptor.
4. Smeagol just got his car running, and we all know his track record with getting vehicles legal.
5. A real thief would have been undeterred by a thin shoe string.
6. Smeagol has been salivating over the Escort since I got a new car.
7. He's a fucking raptor.

With that kind of evidence, I would win a court case on almost any episode of Judge Judy, at least I would if he would admit he was a guy, as she is about as sexist as they come.
Before I get to that though, I had a different interaction with that wily raptor. Remember about 5 lines ago when I told you Smeagol had a running car? I'll wait... OK, well apparently even though he has a running vehicle, he still needs his family. You see, Smeagol wanted to come up to my house, no doubt to see if I had any valuables laying around, or maybe he is turning over a new leaf and genuinely wants to spend time at my abode and reminisce about the good times... I dunno. Anyway, he informed me that in order to come up, it had to be on a day he had off and also I would need to pick him up. How grand.

Hmmm.... I want to end this post in the middle of all these stories and then never tell the ends of them, but I feel like I am missing something...

Oh yeah Pinkpenguins had a spawn! Yay! That's about as touchy feely as I get, deal widdit.

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