Friday, June 5, 2009

Fees, Fees and fat honeybees

Fees, Fees and fat honeybees

swollen monkey balls
if they were yours, you'd scratch too
and friggin love it!


So about a week ago one of the lovely ladies from the clerks office moseys in and asks if Stevester (Stevester only speaks in the third person!) if I can do her a really big favor. The huge smile on her face hints that it is not work related, which means the answer is yes.

"Great! This time is it Aggie's birthday (name changed in case she reads this), and I need you to dress up like a bumblebee and read a poem!"

I had already stopped listening, once I realized that being married meant I no longer had any personal dignity and was already 40% gay, I can handle almost any situation with ease.

So all I need to supply is a pair of black tights or panty hose to wear, and she suggested I purchase "Queen" size, as my man thighs are quite robust from all the running I do (which is none).

I get on the phone with the wifey and the following short conversation ensues:

ME: "Hey hon can you buy me a pair of black pantyhose to wear at work?"

HER: (NO HESITATION) "Sure what size do you think you are? I am guessing queen?"

ME: "Yeah that's what the ladies here said."

HER: "OK I'll get them tonight!"


There are two things wrong with this conversation. One, that the fact that I am asking her to purchase black pantyhose for me to wear to work doesn't shock her, that she is completely nonchalant about the whole thing, and two, the fact that she had thought about it before and naturally knew I wore a queen size pair of stockings.

What the heck is wrong with me?! Read on to find out.

So I had to try them on last night to make sure they would fit. I think the act of putting pantyhose on, unless they are being put on your face to obscure your looks, is the hottest thing in the world, if you are a woman. On a tall fat balding black guy, not so much.

I get these gay things on, amazingly without ripping them, and my wife comes around the corner and snaps off 2 pictures before I can run and hide. I would share these with you but I am only wearing the tight over some very revealing boxers and I would rather this post not be about my man-junk, because when you think steveshaikus, I want you to think "kid-friendly", but not in the weird way like I drive a Cadillac and try to hand out lollipops.

She also gave me some uber gay black thigh highs, which sadly I might also have to wear, as the pantyhose are a little.....revealing. The saddest part is my wife said if I had hairy legs it would have been uber hard to get these damn things on, but since I naturally have no hair on my legs it was a snap. Fuck my life...

I will post pix if any of you want to see them, Seriously though I am sure after the tutu no one will be shocked to see me in a huge bumblebee costume, so...

On to other things!

Last night I decided "Hey Stevester, Lord of all you survey, it's the 21st century, you're a man's man, sitting on the couch eating bon bons wearing pantyhose, you should pay your bills online like all the hip kids do, what with their Englebert Humperdink records, 8 track tapes and Pac-Man videogames!"

The I took a dump.

Then I went online to pay my light bill, and as I went to pay, I noticed there was a fucking fee. There is a 5.00 "convenience fee" to pay my bill online. What the fuck is that all about?!

Let's look at the logic here: If I have to get in my car and drive to the store or whatever they sell their electricity out of (I am assuming they wear overalls and use a rubber pitchfork to fish electricity out of a bucket that they then bag up and send to your house via glass tube? I dunno), they have to pay rent to maintain the building, pay a cashier to take my money, pay for a printer, paper and ink to print my receipt, and a computer to accept the payment into the system, a janitor to clean up, etc. etc. ad nauseum.

On the other claw, if I pay online they can automate a system to accept my payment, the money goes right to their bank, it is all for the most part instant as it all has to do with the internets, and they can get one retarded guy to hit Enter every 90 seconds to prevent a screen saver. Who is this really convenient for, since I also have to fill out a 4u38294yu832957291305 page shit-fuck form to pay my damn bill!

>pant< >pant<>pant<>

On another front, I recently went to rent a car so I could drive down to beautiful Atlanta and maraud over the other karate contestants like an unstoppable rebel force. One of the fees is a "clean car" fee, which I have to pay even if I DON'T Jack off in the back seat like I usually do, a "gas surcharge" that I have to pay even if I bring the car back with a full tank, a "tire maintenance convenience" fee, which is a fee for the honor of having goddamned tires on the shit-eating car, amongst other buttfuckery that I won't even delve into here. Wha?!

Last one, and the one that really gets my sphincter on the puck (puck? ER! LOL I kill me), is the bank. Motherfucker, I am good enough to put my money in your building, who the fuck are you to charge me for the honor of holding and badly investing my money?! And don't get me started on the whole overdraft and other charges. What sense does that shit make? "Hey Roger, this guy has no money in the bank, what should we do?"

"Charge that fucker for not having money, that'll show him!"

I wonder if the same choad who came up with the overdraft system has kids and raises them in that fashion. Sally got caught getting a dirty Sanchez/rimjob in the family Beemer? Make her fuck 3 guys at once in a all-for-one bukkake gangbang every time you catch her, that'll show her!

Same thing goes for credit cards. Can't afford to pay your bill? Let's triple your interest rate, so what was once just enough to pay your minimum balance and then a few dollars toward principle now all goes toward interest! Holy fuck how did we let ourselves get so fucking stupid?!

I am not advocating politics or anything like that, to our 2 conservative readers. It's just that if you don't like Obama you are in the Klan there I said it.

More later.

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