Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Things that annoy part 432804328947832

Things that annoy part 432804328947832

Kiss is on my list
Hall & Oates rocks the casbah
like a ship at sea

So I am in a less than stellar mood, which I am hoping to turn into me being a stallion with my wife tonight, but will probably end up with me watching Operation Repo until I fall asleep on the couch in a fog of my own flatulence like I do every night (great times!). Anyway, I figured I would go through another short list of things that annoy me, one because I can't remember any decent stories and two because I am lazy. Here goes!

1. Men who walk into a pretty much empty bathroom, walk PAST the urinals, go into a stall, leave the door open and stand up and pee: What the fuck is that all about? I mean seriously...I can kind of understand if you want to sit to tinkle, but to walk past the urinals and go into a stall and leave the door open says "I don't want you to see my tiny prick, but I will leave the door open in case you want me to see yours"

2. People who are WAY too gung ho about their jobs and expect you to be too: Let me preface this by saying my boss is one of the coolest bosses I have ever had, only beaten by my first boss when I worked in security, who had huge knockers and a thick spanish accent (mmmm.....boobies). That being said, there is something horrifying and disturbing about how gung ho he is on the subject of work. When he takes a vacation day, he still stays up to the early hours of the morning sending emails and creating tickets for us to work on. He is ALWAYS available by phone. He always shows up before he says he will when he takes a half day or something like that. And when he is talking to one of our "customers", he will more often than not talk our group into more work, which I really don't understand. If the people you work for already like you, why keep trying harder? Unless you are actively trying to get into their pants....hmmmmm.... Anyway, let me tell you this much before I move on: Once I am outside the building, or on the toilet or anything like that, I don't give two shits about work. I cannot be bothered to complete any work whatsoever, do not call me, I will be drunk and/ or taking a dump. This is not to say I do not care for my job; far from it. This is to say when I am in my last years, which judging by the way I live will be about 40ish, I want to look back and remember I did something outside of work every day, even if all that is is watching indian porn (tech support, not drunken casino), which is my favorite kind.

3. People who walk toward the door while you hold it open but decide at the last second to hold an hour and a half conversation on Venetian squirrel migration patterns while moving closer and closer to the door so you end up fucking holding it open and being late to toilet shopping: I know this one is a little long, but fuck it. I hate it when someone is acting like they need you to hold the door, you know those little moans of exertion while they carry or pull one of those long handcars of crap, and then like a gentleman you hold the door and expose yourself as chivalry demands, and said assdouche starts talking to someone smoking 10 feet from the door, using the "Do not smoke within 50 feet of building" sign to shield themselves from the wind, and move closer to the door while glancing at you expectantly every time you start to walk away. Fuuuuck!

4. Timid drivers - I hate when everyone can see that the lane ends, everyone gets over, and like a nice person you slow down to let someone in, but they need approximately a quarter mile of space before they deem it safe enough to pull their 2 seat Smartcar into the 10 MPH moving line. Fuck you and die on the toilet.

5. Cats - I hate cats. They are annoying, they shit and the smell permeates everything within 200 yards of their catbox, then walk over and try to cuddle with you, the whole time trying to rub their shitty ass on your fucking shirt. They also try to climb the screen window, tearing it up and letting all manner of flying insect into my fucking house, and living this close to a lake that's a lot. 

6. Bums who try to stroke your ego (or anything else they can get their hands on) - Dear Homeless wino: FUck you. The only thing that annoys me more than you urinating on my car, flipping me off because I did not give you enough money to purchase a 22 0z. can of Camo, or taking a WHopper from me and throwing it in the trash only to dig it out and eat it later, is when you walk up and start in with "Hey there, big man, man you's is a big strong dude!" Fuck you, although I do enjoy the compliment, following that up with begging for 11 cents to feed your family of 43829 will piss me off. 

7. Chicks who think I am hot - Dammit, where the fuck were you assholes when I was single, jerking off to Roseanne (Darlene and Becky, and sometimes DJ, don't judge) while wondering when I was going to escape the epic clutches of insurmountable failure washing over me like a tsunami of stupidity from Smeagol and Friends? I swear to all of you before I got with my wife the only reason a young lady would talk to me is to see if they could get JJ's number; so far I have been with my wife for a little over 10 years and barely a week goes by when some lady informs me my sexiness has washed over her like an unstoppable rebel force, blitzkrieging into her heart and filling her loins with love shrapnel from my Panzer-tank of studliness. WTF?! Why? You know the funny/ gay thing? If I left my wife tomorrow I would be back to Roseanne for another 5 years... well that and taking numbers from ladies to give to JJ. Not that I am complaining, I love my wife and yadda yadda yadda whatever, it's just the irony of it all... I am not sure I would trade the classy kind of lady I usually end up with for JJ's constant parade of ghetto/trailer trash, all yearning for one night stands and no commi..... wait what the hell am I saying?

8. The weather: be hot, be cold, make up your fuckin mind! It's gotten so that I wear a fur trench coat with a speedo and flip flops so I can go through the day comfortably! Add in my purple velvet fedora and you've never heard so much whining as I hear at work

9. Assholes who cannot think of enough things to make up a top 10 list: That just shows a lack of brain power, like the person who did it was too stupid to think up enough things to even pick the 10 best so had to come up with filler, fuck those guys!

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