Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Feel the beat, rock with me

Feel the beat, rock with me

Mmmm, you ligget Steve!
tight silk boxers on display!
saggy butt-cheeks, yo!

*Sigh*, I hate rainy days. I hate when rainy days occur and it's too warm to shut the windows, and when you go to bed the sheets are all damp like you just made handparty all over them... but I digress.

For today's funness I figured I would touch on a nice, safe subject: race.

As you all may know, I am what is known as a "mulatto", my dad is white and my mom is infected with negro. I have also been called "Oreo" "Ice cream sandwich" "Homo" and "fat ass" (One lovely young woman once remarked that the jiggling of my belly mesmerized her. I am assuming she meant that in a racial way)

Anyway, throughout my life I have been asked some of the dumbest things as they relate to my race, and I was asked a retardotron question today that reminded me of some of them. I figured I would share.

Top 10 Questions asked of a Mulatto:

1. (condescendingly) "Do you like rap music? Name a rapper!" This happened on a nearly daily basis once I began schooling it up in Kansas, and it never ceased to piss me off. Why does my oversized Daffy Duck shirt, bright red Chief's windbreaker pants and Shawn Kemp Kamikaze shoes not settle people's minds that I am straight up gangsta? Was it the glasses? 

On a side note have any of you ever seen a gang member or ever been afraid of someone wearing glasses? I mean seriously.

2. "Have you ever been with a black girl?" This was usually said with pity, the sad thing is most of the ladies I have dated or hung out with have been black, and I stopped because they are so hung up on themselves there ceases to be any room in our relationship or back seat of my car for me, the girl and her ego. getting weave in my mouth that one time (don't ask) also contributed.

3. "Does that mean you're from (insert country that makes no sense)?" WTF? My dad's white, my mom's black, how hard is this? I have gotten everything from Samoa and Hawaiian and Mexican (OK I will give you those) to Australia(?!) and China (how many 6 foot 2 fat guys are there in China? I mean besides Yao Ming, zing!)

4. "Is it because your mom couldn't find a black man?" Yes, retard, she settled. The sad thing is the people who have the most problem with me being mixed is black people, while the most people who have a problem with me infecting a white woman with my hypodermic meat-le every night are white people. What the hell?! When I try to explain that I am half their race, then they disown me! When I start jacking off on their leg while making puppy yipping sounds, then I'm "insane" and "a nasty asshole" or "disrespecting yo momma"... people are so fickle!

5. "Is that why you talk so proper?" Funny story here: I went to Northeast High School, which if you know anything about the Kansas City Missouri School District, know that that in itself makes me functionally retarded. I also played football, and one of our coaches used to play for the Raiders. Well, we had just finished a 2-a-day camp, and were taking a knee, and he was trying to pump us up and get us ready for practice the next day by going down the line in our little group of linemen and telling us what we did well. He is saying stuff like "And you Anthony you'll put a nigga on his back muh-fukka!" And as you could guess there was much neck twisting and head weaving as he did this. He gets to me and says "And Steve..." and at this the other guys start snickering... "-Steve you's a proper talking muh-fukka but you'll lay a hat on someone, naw'm sayin?!" and everyone busted out laughing. The sad thing I didn't know what this hooligan was saying, and could barely turn my attention from his untucked shirt or his untied sloppy.

Later on that night a couple of the team members tried to "rake me up", which was when, in the locker room, 5-10 people would tackle you, rip your underwear off with a wedgie most uncouth, and hang it, shit stains and blood and all (and a terrifying majority of the ones up there had both mixed in with a healthy dose of urines) on the fence in front of the ROTC building. And that, my friends, is when I got my revenge! That day, those unlucky gentlemen learned that not only does Stevester fight back like a caged bear, but when they finally did get enough to tackle me they learned to their chagrin that Stevester rolls commando during practice. Not my finest hour when I saw the horrified look on this guy's face as he got a handful of sweaty dick and balls, but a nice moment nevertheless. The look of horror on his face as he realized what he was doing, the satisfaction in my voice as I told him "See coach? I told you you would never get my panties!" The homeless man molesting the unicorn while the leprechaun rode a tricycle in the background, great times.

Well, I guess I don't have 10 things, sue me.


Sarah Nelson said...

OMG ... it's 5 out of 10 for a full list. Half of a Top Ten List. About mulattos. Hmmm. I wonder if there's a joke in that.

Stevester said... there is a joke in that. Zing!