Don't fear the reaper
he's just friggin bones and cloak
just kick his damn ass!
So with the weather being so beauticious, the wife and I decided to take the kids to the park, which was cool because our old neighbors, who live on the other side of the park (meaning the other side of town, so about a mile from our house) were taking their rugrats down to the same place. I figured "Hey Stevester, you don't play with your kids, they might enjoy some fun time with their dad", which would help to contrast my normal image as a total balls out emo rocker who is black so I don't even need eye shadow...
Anyway, so we are all at the park, watching the kids run around, tossing around a football, painting eachother's toenails while talking about the newest issue of TeenBeat (Joey Lawrence is so eyuugh, I mean like totally!), and we decide to kick the soccer ball around. We round up the kids, which is not totally fair because while both sets of parents have 3 kids, their's are 8, 8 and 6 and mine are 8, 6 and 2, meaning we only have 4 and Daniel is just going to continue massaging his junk on the sidelines like I taught him. Way to keep at it, son!
So whatevs, we start kicking the ball around, running back and forth, maybe 3 times, before the whining starts. Now I just don't understand this. I hate to go there, because it officially makes me old, but when I was their age, you could not keep me at home. I would get on my bike, listen to Mystical Retard and Toboggan Boy's rules, and then summarily ignore and disobey them (usually by throwing our bikes onto slow moving train cars and riding the rails and throwing stuff at dead animals). 3 minutes into soccer their kids start in with the "I'm tired I wanna drink I need to rest the sun is hurting me I wanna-blah blah blah" - and as I look upon them wondering what has happened to our generation, I hear my own kids with their "Why do we even have to go outside I wanna play xbox this sucks we are wasting our weekend on this when I could be playing the Wii I'm thirsty I'm hungry Dad shit on a blanket once-" and on and on and on they went...
What the hell happened? I can't understand how a beautiful day could be spent indoors. And you can't use video games or cable as an excuse, I had a Nintendo and a Sega Genesis soon after they came out and you STILL wouldn't see me until 11 seconds before absolute dark.
So this scam involved a Mr. Kelvin Sanduru, an Abdoul Kader, and my characters, Phil McKraken, Semore Butts, to a lesser extent Hot Karl and as an extra Candi Bubbles. I was looking through the emails and just realized I had them running for more than a month. Awesome.
From: Mr Kelvin Sanduru
From: kelvin sanduru (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Sent: Sun 2/08/09 11:23 AM
From: Mr Kelvin Sanduru
African Development Bank
Burkina Faso (ADB)Ouagadougou - Burkina Faso .
Dear friend, I am writting to seek your coperation over this business, Please due welcome this letter....
His email is the normal scam shit, blah blah blah some tourist died in 2003 and left 10.5 million dollars in a bank in Burkina Faso. What's funny is if you do a quick Wikipedia search of Burkina Faso, it is one of the most corrupt countries in the world and the average wage is less than 1200 dollars per year, yet they accidentally overlook 10.5 million dollaruskies laying in an account and when they find it they decide to be upstanding citizens.
I also find this hilarious -
Since I work in this bank that is why you should be confident in the success of this transaction because you will be updated with information as at when desired.
I will wish you to keep this transaction secret and confidential as I am hoping to retire with my share of this money at the end of transaction which will be when this money is safety in your account. I will then come over to your country for sharing according to the previously agreed percentages. You might even have to advise me on possibilities of investment in your country or elsewhere of our choice. May God help you to help me to a restive retirement, Amen.
Is this asshat a scammer or a preacher? And why would I want some smelly asshole riding his goat to my house to share in investments here? Seriously, if I offered you a million dollars, but informed you that in order to get said million dollars, you had to let me move in with you, would you do it? Please?
Anyway, I decided finally to not go all gay right away, so I respond in a normal fashion, well normal for a guy named Phil McKraken, that is...
RE: From: Mr Kelvin Sanduru
From: Philip McKraken (email@example.com)
Sent: Mon 2/09/09 12:51 PM To: firstname.lastname@example.org
Kevin, This sounds like a thrilling venture. I am a ready and willing participant, and would like to know both what I need to do and a little more about you. Let me know if it is alright to ask a few questions to get to know you a little better and then I will be a more than willing partner in this upcoming endeavor.
I think I will do this in the same vein as Stephen Colbert does his Better Know a District, i.e. sparingly, some of the early email exchanges are a little boring, though it gets to hot man-on-man frottage relatively quickly.
PS - I think, unfortunately, that I am on a blacklist or something, as I am running DANGEROUSLY low on scammers to mess with. If you all have the time and are thinking about it, can you forward all scam email to either email@example.com, or firstname.lastname@example.org ? I would appreciate it.