Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Mystical Retard Chronicles

it's hot, then it's cold
thong in the morn, coat at night
KC weather sucks

Before I get into this post, I would like to again posit that I love Mystical Retard, I wouldn't trade her for anyone in the world, unless it was for another delicious Z-man sandwich at Oklahoma Joe's, but then again I would trade my youngest child for one of those...

Anyway, Mystical Retard called the other night wanting to know the dates that Mercury was going to be in retrograde for the next few years. I had no idea why she wanted this information, maybe because "Plaaanets spinning backwards are so SpIIIIIIIIrituaaal", or because whatever insano-deity she was worshiping this week only had magickal powers when Mercury spun in retrograde, I dunno.

I give her the dates, and she explains. And in doing so sounds even more insane than usual. But I have to respect her, so I am thus forced to play along. Apparently, when Mercury goes into retrograde, bad things start happening. "You'll lose your keys, you'll fight more, the moon will come crashing down and crush all kittens in a blaze of glory, homeless men, frothing at the mouth, will begin mounting stray dogs and morphing into powerful centaurs hell-bent on total domination of the human species! German Panzer tanks will come over the horizon, assaulting up with cannon-fire and wet noodles in a Blitzkrieg never seen before, the 4 Horsemen spoke of in the prophecies will rise up from the Liberty Memorial, and gallop around the streets, filling unlucky victims with their hot demon gel, Mr. Pibb will no longer be certified and bacon will always be limp! BYYYAAAWWWW!" OK I made that up, but she did say that during the retrograde session, everyone experiences bad luck, so "You make sure you and your wife don't get into any fights, and you get along with the woooooorld, don't disrespect no one."

This is annoying.

Also annoying, her penchant for planning in advance. It's not AS bad now, but in her full on crack days, she would call at like 3 in the morning to ask "What are you doing March 12, 2013?", and expect an answer. I have no idea what I will be doing an hour from now, much less the spring 4 years from now. I soon learned that I could simply make things up, which I did, telling her I would be playing with my kids on a rocky beach in Alderon, which is in the Nebulous Quadrant or some other crap I made up that sounded ridiculous (this was before I had kids, so it is pretty profound that though I didn't want kids back then I assumed I would have some), and she would seem satisfied, and then ask if I could make time to take her to some concert or come over for dinner.

Why do I bring this up? She asked me what I was doing 4 months from now on a random Saturday, saying we should get together and eat lunch together. WTF?!

Interesting tidbit that sent a chill down my spine and a negative balance to my credit cards: Mercury went into retrograde the day Smeagol was born. Could there be more to it than meets the eye?


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