Tuesday, March 17, 2009

The Show

end of innocence
like leaves that fall so gently
just to get shit on

The Show

As I have bragged numerous times, I live right by a small fishing pond. It is truly beautiful to see the sun come up over the unbroken trees just on the other side, as if I was the first to experience it's glory and as if it was putting on it's best show just for me...the fog rolling in over the murky water, slight ripples only disturbed by the idle wind or hungry fish nipping at it's faux-placid surface, all serene and quiet....except for the rednecks.

You see, apparently this pond is very highly sought after by some of Smithville's and other Northern Missouri territorial less tooth-laden of residents, who seem to flock there by the dozens as soon as the water thaws for fishin' and drinkin'. Now, it's not that bad, my neighbor told me there is an unwritten rule that if they disturb any of us "lakefront" residents they will be forcibly banned from the premises, so they were all in fact very quiet and seemed to make sure they were not looking through all of our very open windows, which is where my story of the day comes in.

It was after dark, and subconsciously I knew there were still fishermen out there as you could see lanterns and the like all around the water, wayward lonely souls unlucky enough to not be able to catch any of the THOUSANDS of fish literally dumped into this 10 acre lake on a regular basis, but I made a small mistake. My lovely wife has taken to reading these uber-gay romance novels all the time, and was sitting in the living room reading one, fully ensconced in it's pages upon pages trying to make a man out of a woman (seriously, the male character in her book, in the part she read to me during her nightly diatribe entitled "Why can't you be as romantic as...", said something like "every time I think of you it takes my breath away" and apparently called out during sex; totally not manlike. She was also less than pleased when I kept coughing out "homo!" while she was reading...) and not doing what she usually does when it turns dark, which is pull the shades across out floor to ceiling windows shut. So I come out of the bathroom, having showered and powdered the junk, and just to be a little romantic I walked completely naked into the living room and started trying to hump the book out of her hand.

SHe kept going "Stevester!" and looking behind her as I danced around like Party boy from Jackass, trying to rub myself all in her hair as any loving husband would, when I noticed. The windows were not only open, I could see in the dusk at least 4 lumberjack shirts, thankfully with their backs to me. Whoopsy!

Also, I knew it might lead to a stigma, but why is it whenever I see someone who is not part of the group I am forced to support daily at work, their first question is "Where's your tutu? You're so cute!" Sure, it might be construed as hot, but come on! I might have to wear something more drastic to remove my image as the tutu guy. But I am not sure what. That's where you all come in. I am thinking about wearing another costume to the courthouse BBQ this summer, and need something more shocking than a huge fat black guy in a tutu, but not so shocking that I get fired (which means the assless chaps and cowboy hat are out, at least unless I am doing a personal party or hand party)... any ideas? You don't have to post them here, you can email them to me, I want it to be original yet sassy; manly yet fun; like a pair of underwear that when you wear them for three days and turn them inside out look like a fresh pair!

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