Same Old Smeagol

call of the raptor
brings failure to all who hear
siren song indeed

Smeagol Tyme

So I was sitting on the couch messing around on guitar last Thursday, totally rocking out the emo tunes, when JJ calls with a warning:

"Smeagol just called and asked if you got paid tomorrow, and then hung up when I said I think so."

I was immediately wary. Could Smeagol be coming over to bum money from me? Then I thought about it and realized he would have to drive past the police station in Liberty, Ferrelview and Smithville in order to do so, and that that was an impossibility without the police noticing and/ or arresting him immediately. Literally 2 minutes after JJ hung up the phone rang, and the onscreen caller ID (nay the only good service Time Warner employs(I will explain later)) displayed that name: Raptor, Smeagol E..

I simply ignored the call, and went back to trying to play Menuett by Bach (it's tough!) and forgot about it. Fast forward to Saturday, and I am in the basement playing a game on the computer, and I have the cordless phone which sadly does NOT have caller id on it. We had just gotten our refund, and I was waiting to go buy stuff I would never use again when the phone rang. Thinking it was my most lovely wife I answer only too late to hear the breathing of something not human, but raptor:

"Heeeeyyyy niigie!" Smeagol oozed, eliciting an unconscious groan from me, which brought out his usual "You sound down, what's the matter? Are you feeling alright?" I used to think that meant he actually cared or wanted to help, but from experience was only so he could get some "juicy gossip" to pass along to the rest of the family or anyone who cared to listen. WHat follows is as close as I can get to what actually transpired, S = Smeagol, M = Me:

S - "Listen niggie I need you to do me a favor' - there was a long pause here, I think he wanted me to answer in the affirmative that I would help him, 'it's real important. I am going to jail in Liberty, I need you to pick Mystery up, take her to cash my check, and come bail me out here and then get me out in Oak Grove".... he kinda trailed off, as I sat there, again stunned. I am not sure why this stuns me anymore, but what reason does he have to get arrested out here?

M - "How many times have you been to Oak Grove?"
S - "Just once, why?"
M - "..." I tried to let the absurdity of this sink in, but apparently it did not. "SO what do you want again?"
S (after an exasperated grunt) - "I am going to jail in Liberty. I get paid on the 17th. I need you to go pick up Mystery in the morning, take her to get my check (at McDonald's?!), take her to cash it, bring her to bail me out, wait while they run an FJC-11 (I know there was a number 11 and the letters F and J in it, but he knew the name LOL) and find out I have a warrant in Oak Grove, at which point they will rearrest me, and then bring her out to Oak Grove to bail me out there."

I told him I would think about it and hung up.

To put this into perspective, He wants me to drive 16 miles to pick Mystery up, waste about an hour running her around while she bails him out of jail, take her to pick him up, watch while they rearrest him in the lobby of the jail, try not to laugh, then follow him out to Oak Fucking Grove, which is in the middle of no-fucking-where, and bail him out again. Oh I forgot, he also wants me or my wife to be the cosigner because "no bail bondsman will trust Mystery and I can't get out on my signature since I skipped out on my court date last time." That sounds like a great deal!

Really at what point do you cut ties with someone? At what point is it no longer enough to feel sorry for them because they are hated by pretty much the rest of the populace? At what point do you look at a turd and say "That's a fucking turd, Bob"? I feel lie I am the main character in "The Emperor's New Clothes", at some point I have to come face to face with the fact that I am walking around town with my schlong hanging out and dangerously close to experiencing anal rape? (Come on anyone who has seen the Brown Bear's tush you know you can't resist! Tee Hee!)

I am NOT going to run that smelly asshole all over town, and I am not going to bail that raptor out.