Thursday, February 12, 2009

KRPTR - all raptor, all the time

it's fascinating
what's pulling Smeagol to jail?
we missing something?

So Smeagol's in jail, and the magical day when I have no intention of answering the telephone draws near. Everyone in my family is scrambling, trying to purchase telephones with caller ID so as not to have to pick up when he calls, completely forgetting that Valentine's Day is coming up.
Valentine's Day, there's a shit-can of a holiday...I wonder if anyone knows the real St. Valentine was a priest who married Christian couples illegally during the reign of Claudius II, and was rewarded for this by being stoned, clubbed, tortured and then beheaded after he tried to convert the emperor to Christianity, probably by trying to rub his balls (I know not all priests are gay, and that most of the ones that are turn out to be catholic, but I was raised Catholic so I feel I can make fun of them, kinda like when you have a black friend so you feel you can use the N word). Romantic, no?

I found out why Smeagol has a warrant in Oak Grove. This is also not his first warrant he has had in Oak Grove, which begs the question "does Smeagol E. Raptor get arrested EVERY time he goes to Oak Grove?" I would like to posit that he does. I also wonder if the police have to take turns arresting him, or if only the senior officers get to, and if they thump him on the head and sprinkle crack on him. I lastly love the idea that he could get arrested and sat next to a real live Amish man (the Amish are thick out there, like the swarthy negros are thick on Prospect. Being a swarthy negro myself, I feel drawn there for unexplained reasons too....), which besides being a great starting line for a joke (you can't tell me "A raptor and an Amish man get arrested..." is not interesting and/ or funny) would be hilarious because Smeagol would insult the gentleman (Let's just call him Jebediah) for living a simpler life, and then try to snuggle up to his beard, which would be most distressing.

Anyway, you are probably still wondering why Smeagol would drive 50+ miles out of the way to Oak Grove, and the answer is LOVE, or rather, there is a woman out there who has agreed, with no chemical or physical intimidations, persuasions, or molestations, to allow Smeagol entry into her love hole. How he met her, I am not sure. Why, I am even less sure. Does he take Mystery and make her wait in the car? Likely. I am wondering if he only got a car to do this.

THis leads to so many questions, the chief one being: am I less attractive than Smeagol? I know, and have known for a long time, that JJ is far more attractive to the ladies, what with his unkempt facial hair, lack of a job, poor grooming habits and bad attitude that the ladies seem to find endearing, but I always held out the idea that I am more attractive than a wily raptor, but this shakes my foundations.

I mean, I know I am married, and I would never cheat on my wife, but I like to think I can tell when a lady finds the Stevester irresistible, and I never get that vibe. EVER. Is it because I'm fat? My wife informed me my penchant for eating 20-30 chicken tenders slathered in mayo (don't knock it until you try it) made her fall in love with me in the first place, and I hear all the time how the ladies like big guys, but apparently none of the ladies I have ever come into contact with have. Does that make women who are attracted to me strange?

Or maybe I am not good at reading women, which would explain my recent Valentine's day/ birthday/ anniversary purchases, but I like to think that just like my dad, I am capable of deciphering the naughty language of love...

But let's look at the numbers of this. In the last 15 years, I have had 5 what you would call actual "girlfriends", meaning I went on more than one date with them and/ or married them, and I could remember their names. JJ has by far eclipsed this feeble number this week, so he's out, but in this same time period, Smeagol has had at least 15 ladies he has wasted his entire paycheck on. This makes me, by far, the least lucky in this, the game of love. Now with commitment, I am far ahead, as I have been with my wife for 10 years or 6 months or something like that. I dunno, I think it's because they both have facial hair. I can't grow facial hair, I try, but all I can do is transplant my very plentiful pubes and crack hairs to my face, which is time consuming, costly and stinky.

Anyway, Smeagol has been maxing out on this particular skeezer (as JJ refers to her) for a while, since that other girl he was paying JJ 100's of dollars to hump on in their living room finally became diseased and informed him she would no longer be accepting his raptor love. She has 3 kids, and probably a husband. Wait a second, my wife has been dressing up a little nicer lately, could it be...? Nah, I would be able to smell the failure on her.

Any takers to run Mystery around and help her bail Smeagol out? You will be required to sign with the bail bondsman, so....

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