Tuesday, September 22, 2009


steveshaikus: sweet, kind, nice
like willow branch in a pond
swaying in the breeze

D-M-V! (Sang to the Ruff Ryder's theme on DMX's album (...And then there was X))

OK, So here is the story. It's finally time to get my car legal, after replacing the entire engine, transmission, and one brake light (which was the hardest part)...

First, a little backstory (like a backpussy, warm and moist. A little stinky, mostly gentle pink, unless there are poor wiping habits, then a thin shade of brown... ok I'm done)

My K-Rat instructor lives in the country (for this story, anywhere north of Smithville Missouri but South of St. Joseph counts as 'country'), and goes to all manner of delicious estate auctions out in the middle of nowhere. On once such estate auction, he happened upon a totally sweet 1994 Dodge Shadow, the precursor to the Dodge Neon, with a 5 speed manual transmission and a 2.5L engine. Awesome.

He buys said car, and, remembering a certain Stevester loves such cars (I promise I will finish the cars thing soon), he decides he will sell said automobile to me for the paltry sum of about 600 dollaruskies. The car has a little over 100k on it, so it's not too bad, and I decide why not, I always make great decisions when it comes to automobilia, let's go with this.

Upon road testing before selling said car to me, my instructor finds out why he got the car so cheap. The previous owners, who he works with, ran the car out of oil, and it promptly throws a rod, which after a little diggin on the internets I find out does not mean the same thing as it does in the films I keep under my bed. Apparently, to "throw a rod" means one of the pistons breaks and shoots through the cylinder, or is in danger of shooting through the cylinder. I won't bore you with the details, it's pretty manly though...

Anyway, all the stuff I did (replacing the engine, transmission, brakes, rotors, hoses, etc) is going in another post that will have pictoral documentation and funny quips and anecdotes, this is about the (ongoing) saga to get this fucking car legal.

I am not an angry person. I like to think of myself as patient, kind, funny, huge-cocked, with a penchant for snuggling and a mind of the arts. Probably none of these is true, but whatevs. Going to any DMV in the state of Missouri, however, turns me in to a complete and total asshole, and I shall explain why.

Here's the deal: The old guy who sold the car to my instructor gave him the title, lien release, a scrap of notebook paper that had both his and my instructor (let's call him Bob) names and a date on it, like that constitutes a bill of sale, a legal bill of sale from when HE bought the car from his son, and other assorted documentation that for the sake of brevity (too late) I will not divulge. My instructor, upon learning that the car needed a new engine, was just going to junk the car rather than sell it to me, but I told him I wanted it anyway, so he dropped it off at my house. I looked online and found an engine at a local junker that had less than 60k on it.....

Anyway, my instructor gives me all the paperwork he has, and tells me I SHOULD be able to send the paperwork off and get the title sent back to me, no problem. Having dealt with the DMV before, I was skeptical. I decide to drive from Smith-fucking-ville to Ray-shithole-town to get the old guy to sign off on my title and a fresh bill of sale, to hopefully circumvent the unstoppable rebel force that is the shithole DMV.

I drive to the old guy's house, kiss his ass for a few minutes, and get him to sign. He signs the bill of sale as the buyer, which annoys me but I decide to let it go, and I go on about my way, happy that I will have no trouble getting said car legal. If I had no trouble, though, there would be no need for this post. I give all the paperwork to my wife, who goes to the DMV, waits 3 hours in line with my 3 year old, only to be told that since Old guy, who the title is signed over to (we signed on the second assignment line) originally, never got the car registered, that it was an illegal sale and we would need to get the ORIGINAL guy to sign said title over to us, or the old guy would have to register the car and pay the fees and all that shit just to give us the car. In other words, take it in the hole Stevester, take it hard.

At this point I am pissed. Now I have to drive ALL THE FUCKING WAY back to RAY-FUCKSHITASSCOCKPUSSY-Town, find the ORIGINAL asshole, get him to sign it, and then I can get the car legal. Fine. I drive to Raytown, wasting even MORE gas, stand there and listen to this guy piss and moan (rightly so, I mean this is retarded that he has to even be a part of this), but after a while sign on the third assignment line, and we crossed out Dad's name and he wrote his on there. Should all be good, right? I now have:

Title (with 3 assignments filled out on back, but the last one is what counts)
bill of sale
lien release
property tax
2.5 inches of rock hard cock should I need to persuade any of the old ladies at the DMV to see things my way

I go into the DMV at Petco, feeling good about myself, when that old apprehension hits me. Did I forget something? Are they going to balk at the 100 dollar selling price? Would this lady in line in front of me get mad if I rub my wiener on the back of her shorts?

It all falls away when my number is called. I know this will go well, I have been through too much shit for it not to. I get up to the counter, confidently throw the paperwork in the young lady's face, and say with all the courtesy I can muster "Gimme those plates"...

She sorts the paperwork, looks at it... it's taking too long. Fuck me, she starts shaking her head.

"OK this isn't going to work, this is called title jumping and it is illegal. This guy here-" she points to the first assignment, showing the original owner selling the car to the old man -"needs to get the car legal and in his name then he needs to sign it over to you, he can't sell the car to you if he doesn't own it."

I point out that the guy whose name is on the FRONT of the title DID assign it to me 2 assignments down, and start trying to explain, and she cuts me off. "Well this guy-" still pointing the first assignment, which I already told her doesn't matter -"has to get the car legal, you have to go to him, have him get it legal, have him sign it to you, then you have to start over. There's too much writing on this, it's illegal."

I snatch the paperwork from the bitch smirking smugly behind the counter, mouth a growling "fuck you" and stomp off.... then sheepishly mosey back and ask her to hand me my sunglasses. Karma is a bitch yo!

So I go to another DMV to try and get SOMETHING done.... and long story short, get the same answer but get a temporary tag while I wait for the original owner to jump through hoops too.

I have a few questions so far regarding this whole process:

1. If filling out more than one assignment on the back of the title completely invalidates it, WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY THERE?! That is the dumbest thing in the world, why have textboxes there that it is illegal to fill out?

2. Why is it the DMV cannot listen to logic? Apparently it was too tough to comprehend that I was not buying the car from the old guy but from his son, the original owner. I asked if we woulda been able to get it legal if I crossed the other 2 assignments off or wrote VOID over them, and was assured that would just make it harder to get said car legal.

3. Why do you have to wait so fucking long at the DMV? I stood in line for almost an hour, and watched as one after another lady went on break, and the DMV at that point had only been open for an hour. Seriously?! WTF is that all about?!

I know now why so many people just don't bother getting their cars legal and run on bad plates all the time. Missouri is the WORST place to get a car legal in the United States. I could detonate a bomb, wipe the shitty state of Missouri completely off the map, fill it in with Jello, and the economy would magically raise a few points and no one would miss it. Jesus have you ever tried driving for any length of time across the state?! The whole place is a festering shithole! Why is it always overcast when you are driving through Missouri? Because God is trying to blot the whole state out, that's why. "But Stevester, you live in Missouri" you might say, and screw you hippie for pointing out how much of a hypocrite I am! I have the right to be a completely uninformed douchebag opinionated retard, hell according to the election results from 2000 and 2004, more than 50% of America is full of them! Zing!

I will get back to posting on the cars soon, I have a few other things coming up, including Smeagol making sweet raptor love to a chick with a dick, my saga of putting the engine in (with pictures!) and other assorted dementia.

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