steveshaikus: Wii Fit

Thursday, May 29, 2008

New Thread: Wii Fit

a trembling douchebag
I told you these aren't capris
feel my foot fury

The above haiku was influenced because I cut the legs on my gi pants to more closely resemble the way they wore them in Japan years ago, and now everyone asks if I am wearing capris. Dammit there is a thin line between highwaters and capris and I thought I had not crossed it yet!

Anyway, I recently got a Wii Fit, and I have to say, it's awesomeness is not to be ignored. I am the master at the hula hoop game, and that in no way makes me gay! If you do not know what a Wii Fit is, it is a wireless balance board that you stand on or sit on and it comes with 40 games to improve strength and other things. It also has some fun games like the ski jump and the table tilt, so it's great at parties.

Anyway, commercial over, one of the things you do when you set it up is your little Mii character goes through a body test to see where you are fitness-wise. I figure while I am not the peak of manliness, I am not as fat and loathsome and disgusting as I was before I did that situp that one day, so I felt pretty confident. I step on, and I swear to you all the little wii fit character that talks you through the entire process winced. Fuck you asshole!

So my BMI is like 32.14%, and it makes my Wii Fit age 32, based on that, my height and my weight, which as of this writing has shrunken to a very respectable 266. So whatever, I start playing the games on it and every like 10 minutes it asks if I am alright or if I need to slow down, or if I trip when I walk... OK, whatever, I assume it does that with everyone. Before I go on, let me note that according to Wii Fit, I am morbidly obese. Whatev, I am grossly obese at best, am I right? Ziiing!

Anyway, JJ comes over for the Memorial Day cookout (which I will post on tomorrow), and gets on there and whaddya know, he is completely normal weight wise based on his height and weight and fuck that little asshole. So he starts playing. 10 minutes pass by, no questions as to whether or not he is tired. 20 minutes, 30 minutes...

FInally a message pops up on the screen. I start feeling better about myself until I read the message:

"You are in great shape, try to slow down."

Anyone want a slightly broken Wii Fit?

No all jokes aside I think this is going to be the key to getting a photo of Smeagol. I will get him playing on it, and once he sees that it is the perfect size for a curled up raptor to sleep on and takes a nap I will snap up close photos of him.

The Lexicon

1. Cameltoe of Destruction - A cameltoe so massive and flagrant it can consume your will to live.

2. Turn-by-turn directions - When some moron explains so much that you could completely retrace their steps/ thoughts/ bowel movements in the event there is ever a trial over that

3. Churning brown butter - Taking a dump, droppin' a deuce, chucking some queef dirt, machine gunning the dirt pellets... etc.

4. Consuming a kitten's soul - a human so evil that only Jesus can look them in the eye, and when he does he gets ED for a month...

5. A cobra eating a clown - besides the new design for my hood, the most awesome brand on the planet. Copyright that, bitches!

6. National Geographin' it up - when you imitate the native peoples on National Geographic and screw someone, usually doggystyle, in front of other people with no sense of decency or desire to stop. Coined by me to describe JJ.

7. Anal Bifeda - Kind of like spinal bifeda, but it makes you act like a mule's sagging asshole all the time. Or you can just attempt to engage Greyskull in conversation and see this disease in action.

8. Queef-mud - What starts out as an innocent little queef but turns into full blown diahrrea. Can strangely enough be applied to men if they are completely innocently trying to fart in someone's face and shit all over the bed.

9. "Yoooouuuuu Llllllliiiiigggeeetttt Steve!" - (I will be glad to vocalize upon request) What Janet was saying to my dad while he desperately tried to hit both sides of her monkey hole that had been spread by the plunging of numerous cocks earlier that day. Also used as an insult to anyone named Steve.

10. Booty Ass Overtime - not just overtime, but when you work so much overtime you fall asleep while sitting on the toilet having a tinkle, or don't have the time to tinkle so let your own bodily fluids mix and meld with whatever is all over your shirt any damn way.

11. Shitdick - A condition that can only come about from a spirited round of butt-lovin'. When your loving partner cannot hold in his/ her chocolate thunder but likes your anal plunging so much they try to let a little dust off the crap and end up lubing your meatstick and lower belly with hershey dark 'n chunky.

12. Lip it - when you take the head of your cock and rub it around the rim of a cup before handing it to someone. It's funnier if you are circumcised because there is that little oily spot right behind the cap that really stinks if you don't wash it right and that smell will not come out of someone's mouth.

13. Shiznitobam-slip-slap-Sally - The freshest of the fresh, the illest of the ill, the deffest of the def, now all you cat's chill. I made that up.

14. KC Dirt track - When you teabag a girl (or boy) backwards, and you blow ass right up their nose and all over their upper face, leaving a fine spray of shit and dingleberries for all to see.

15. fearfarts - Those real smelly farts you had been trying to hold in, like when hot chicks (or dudes, depending) are in too close proximity to cropdust, and something scares the living fucking shit out of you, causing you to machine gun these nasty ass farts uncontrollably into your pants, and they are the loudest farts you have ever laid. Great at parties.

16. Modalities of the consignment - Anyone who utters this phrase or uses the word "modalities" or "consignment" in it is a scammer. please forward them on to me accordingly.

17. The Stevester Layup - A basketball move that starts with a 280 pound man running right at you, double dribbling in the process, and leading in for the layup with his knee, often striking you in the chest with much brunt force. Not liked by judges.

18. Teleworketing - not mine, I'm afraid, said by a manager at an 8 hour meeting, to describe someone who is, I assume, a telemarketer who is working from home docketing a pro se case? You be the judge.

19. Toilet Shopping - when you go to a floor you in reality have no business on with the express purpose of taking a dump. Awkward when you get caught, or if the lights are motion detected and turn off and someone walks in there thinking no one is in there because it's dark and then tries to talk to you while you shit.

20. Raptor stomping - When you are so angry you want to stomp, but everything hurts your feet, including carpet, so you walk gingerly, raptor style, but you swing your feet down as hard as you can until you almost make contact and then gingerly tap your piddy on the carpet. I will be happy to demonstrate so you can all visualize.

21. sleepulence - those long, drawn out quiet farts you get when you are either asleep, or do not have the power to push out (aka Smeagol). Known to be so potent they can take a layer of varnish off of a house, even if there is no varnish on there to begin with.

steveshaikus

Thursday, May 29, 2008

New Thread: Wii Fit

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