Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Let a bird go free
and if it returns to you
make it your dinner

Been a while, bitches, but I'm back. Smeagol is never going to be that raptor we know and love again, but maybe that's OK. He is still an asshole, so at least SOME of him is back...

Went to go see him with Mystical Retard, and he sees me and his eyes lit up and his thong constricted (gross), so I knew he was happy to see me. He then sees Mystical, and in his now-slurred speech says, clear as day, "Fuck off bitch!" If he had thrown a "niggie" at the end I would have giggled like a schoolgirl. In case you were wondering what a raptor's mother had to do to get his ire, wonder no more. She immediately started poking, prodding, looking at his weiner, just fuckin with him. "It's OK, I'm his mammy" she said while unceremoniously sticking a finger in his too-slow-to-stop-it clenching ass cheeks... if I ever get to that point I want to be put out of my misery.

Mystical is getting weirder and weirder. When Mercury goes into retrograde, a kind of pall of mysticism comes over her that makes what she says even MORE incompre-fuckin-hensible, and she already says shit so weird it makes you want to jam a cork up your ass after drinking a quart of laxatives.

Sometimes I feel bad for JJ as he is still living with them, as he gets to bear the brunt of the insanity. Mystical is an avid user of Facebook, and posts these diatribes that, if you understood what you were reading, would be the most inappropriate shit this side of a Caligula-style orgy. Every post has to do with hot lube and balls slapping asses and all manner of reference to her favorite band, who I won't give press to by mentioning their names but is your typical average to slightly above average alt rock garage band setups...

I'm going to go see Smeagol soon, but I can't bring myself to go alone. Not yet. I was actually in the neighborhood, and thought I'd share why, and didn't go by there...


So I wanted to play Rocksmith. Here is a short story to show that if I had not been a cheap sack of shit I would have gotten the game for 40 dollars and a guitar for 19 and been playing it.

Starting price - $0.00

So, I went looking for the game, and see it's 39.99 at Ebgames. Im too cheap to pay 39.99. A little looking and I see the same game for 13.49 on Steam. Bazinga! I buy and download it.

Cost - 13.49

Well, Rocksmith is that game where you plug your REAL guitar into your game console with the SUPPLIED FUCKING SHIT CABLE. Guess what does NOT come with the Steam download??? You guessed it! A little looking and I see a cable for.... drumroll please... 29.99. with 7 dollar shipping.

Cost - 50.48


I wait patiently for a week and get the damn cable. Shows up, I plug it in... and nothing. Guess what? The plug does not work on my Windows XP computer!!! Awesome!

I figure I will go get a pickup for my acoustic guitar instead of buying a new one and start downloading the game to my laptop.

I see a story online where a guy got a pickup for 40 dollars so I assume I will only have to spend 10. The cheapest pickup I find is 86.00 fucking asshole dollars. Fuck that.

A quick search on Craigslist shows that there's a guy living 3 blocks over who would love to suck my cock, and also there's a couple really cheap guitars. The cock sucking guy does NOT have a guitar.

After seeing the cock guy I go back and there is a real cheap electric kids guitar for 25 dollars. It's pink. Fuck it, it's a game controller at this point so I tell the guy I'll be right there. I get there, he sold it. While trying not to shart in my car in his driveway I check craigslist on my phone, and there's another guitar 5 blocks from where Smeagol is for 40 dollars. The next day after work I run out to get it....

To be continued (I'm lazy, dammit)

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